I am trying to find out what I want. That sounds like a silly thing to say, but all my life I’ve been working toward making other people happy. When I was in high school, I wanted to be an Egyptologist. It seemed like an extremely interesting and exciting thing to me, I was an avid reader of all things Egypt – from fiction to archeologist’s findings to the history of the various dynasties. I had been immersing myself in the history of Egypt for years. However, I was told that I could only go to a state school; my school counselor had been called by my mother and told not to tell me about any scholarships I could get; so I didn’t even know that I could have gotten any. My choices had been taken away from me, and I was too naïve to know that I could have gotten information anywhere else. This was a long time before the internet. Unfortunately, I went along, taking a B.S. degree in something that I had no interest in; but to make myself happy I also got a B.A. degree in English (in the usual four years). I never did work in my “chosen” field, instead getting my Paralegal Certificate.
Once I was married, I tried to make my husband happy, then my two children. I’m still trying to make everyone around me happy, since they all still live here. In fact, a good part of my day goes into doing all the “little” things that make other people happy. Running errands, waiting at the DMV, going to stores to “pick something up” for someone else. I’m tired of it. Seriously tired. I’m tired of wearing clothes that are years and years old, not buying anything new (or nice); not cutting my hair; not going to the doctor – since I’m not bringing in much money, I feel like I don’t deserve any of these things.
Self-esteem; self-confidence; self-love. These are all things that I’m sure lots of people struggle with. I’m working on it, but it feels like slogging up a hill in knee-high mud. Does anyone else feel this way? Let me know if you do, and what you do to push forward. Thanks.